All adoptive parents know that you should only pick up and cuddle your own children. We have been lucky to welcome home a few other Ethiopian children to our city and I've been very careful to not get too close or too friendly. The thing I didn't realize is this has transferred as my behaviour to all children. I was visiting a friends house a few weeks ago and her daughter, almost one, was really wanting attention from me. The little girl became more persistent, more vocal, and more agitated. I kept directing her back to her mother. Eventually my friend asked me to pick up and hold her daughter as that would help calm her. Although at the time I thought it was very strange I picked the young girl up but I felt very awkward about it. While driving home I realized why. When Sofia was wanting attention from someone else I HAD to insert myself in between them and demand that she get her attention from me. Of course we don't do that any more but it seems that the seed has been planted in my head.
This past weekend friends of ours had a baby, we went to the hospital to meet him. Shortly after we arrived the new mother asked me was "Do you want to hold him?" Of course I held him but again I felt awkward.
Today while I was thinking about the birth of our baby I realized that other people are going to expect me to offer them an oppourtunity to hold them. How will I react if the baby starts to fuss or cry? Can I change my thinking and allow someone else to soothe my child?
I'm sure that I will be able to switch my thinking, it will take time though. I am also realizing that being a biological parent is different than being an adoptive parent. Or more different than I previously let myself believe. I'm thankful for my chance to see the world from both sides.
If you are visiting and I am slow to ask you if you'd like to hold the baby, just ask.
5 comments:
Not to worry, we'll just pick up junior or juniorette whenever we are able to. We won't need to be asked. If we're lucky, when we leave, we'll be able to put Sofia and baby in our suitcases to bring home!
You'll be great as biological parents and since so many people will want to hold the baby, before long it won't even phase you to hand him/her over. Plus by the time I get to see you, you will be eager to have someone else there for a change. At least that is what I am hoping :)
Oh trust me, give it a couple of weeks as a Mom of two and you'll be ready to hand BOTH of your kids off to the next person that walks through your door. LOL!
Seriously though, now that you've mentioned this I am pretty sure that I've done some of the same things with friends kids. I'm sure you'll be able to change your way of thinking. It will just take some time.
Funny, I never had any issues with others holding Mal, in my presence, or doing care things for her. I am actually really glad I never read the literature that advocates against that. And, it has never come back to haunt me, thank God. She has never had an issue with who Mama is, what Mama means, what she means in relation to Mama etc. So, on the flip side of your experience, I never think to not hold a child, adopted or otherwise. geez, wonder if I have unwittingly offended. :)
PS; not offended YOU, offended someone who's child I randomly lavished hugs on :)
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